What does it mean to be free? Free of what, free of pain, suffering, memories, emotions? I recently had the opportunity to learn more about emotional freedom. To me, this particular freedom comes through pain, through emotions we can’t understand. Freedom comes when we realize we are human, when we actually feel what we are going through. We give and take pain, we give and receive love, and get love taken away from us. None of that changes what we are capable of, if anything, our eyes can get opened to our boundless capabilities.
Our strength is not determined by the lack of feeling of emotions, the lack of anger in an angry situation, the lack of patience in an impossibly impatient condition, or plainly, the lack of reactions to life around us. I believe that strength comes when we allow ourselves to be deeper than social media, to experience the sensations of sadness, of true anger, of pure happiness. I can’t tell you what those sensations are for you, or what you are supposed to feel, but I can tell you what I felt, and what I pushed away, in every vivid moment.
I can tell you the moment my rapist went to jail, the pure relief, the loss of control of tears, the columns that made me stand tall, came crumbling down, and the anger. I felt anger, I was mad because, “now what am I supposed to do?” or, “what am I supposed to fight for now?”. I pushed that anger aside, I refused to deal with it because it seemed preposterous during that time. I should have felt nothing but happiness and peace, I won the fight, he was in jail, we were safe, and he couldn’t hurt me again.
Now, two years later, that anger is back. That anger, that loss of purpose, it has flooded my brain. It has effected relationships with everyone. My family, God, lovers, my best friends, everyone. This lack of senses, is partly what inspired me to start Strong Beautiful Capable. I wanted to fill a void, to bring that purpose back. My mother’s words, “Morgan, you are SO strong, SO beautiful, and SO capable. You will get through this,” filled my heart and inspired me to do better, be better, and help others do and be better.
I thought this would be a cake walk, but this loss of purpose and deep anger, caused me to angst. I questioned everything and everyone, I refused to trust or to let anyone trust me. I relied on those closest to me to tell me I was perfectly fine, I was doing the right things, and this was a good organization. Is it though? Am I doing the right thing? Who is going to tell me it’s not, and if they do, what grounds do I have to even give them the time of day? I was constantly worried about judgment because I was insecure about my own emotions. I lost my security, I was insecure in my own body, I lost sense of control; I was not letting myself feel. I was not and have not been feeling that anger, that hate, and that deep sadness.
But guess what, that’s okay. It’s okay because how can we know what those emotions are until they hit us like a brick wall? For me, my best friend walked out on my life. Told me a lot of things, I felt totally alone. I finally trusted someone, and he walked out on me. Now what was I supposed to do, I did nothing wrong. He recognized that I was hiding from reality, I was hiding from feeling my anger, and I wasn’t accepting the change that was surrounding me. I followed my heart and traveled thousands of miles to talk to him, to let him teach me and tell me the ugly truth.
I spent a weekend alone in a place I didn’t know. I cried a lot, got lost a lot, took naps, sat and stared at the ocean, threw up, I let myself get completely lost in my emotions. I let that anger make me so mad that I threw sand and rocks and anything I could grab. I let the loneliness and loss of purpose take hold of my heart, let it make me sick and I didn’t eat for days. I let that sadness draw me to fantastic art, to that person I loved, and I let it rip through my heart, raking it with emotions and truths.
Was this easy? No. But I am strong beyond measure. I am beautiful beyond comparison, and I am capable of whatever emotions this life throws at me. I am more than social media posts, then a relationship, then a religion. I am a human, I am alive, and I am free.